Texting women is a skill all of it's own. I wanted to put together a simple guide that will bring you through 4 tips to keep in mind to maximize your chances of getting her number off Tinder, or setting up your first date. I've included some examples from real Tinder or text conversations to illustrate my points.
When you're texting women you don't need to pretend that you're the coolest guy in the world. You don't need to always have the perfect line, always be smooth, or always try to impress. I remember feeling that I needed to show all my best qualities in my texts with stories and stuff about me, but really I was protecting too much about myself that made me come off as ingenue.
Unless you're James Bond, there's no reason to text like James Bond. You have flaws, so don't hide them. You might make a shitty joke: call yourself out on it. You might need to work out more: put that front and center.
This isn't about putting yourself down, but it's about being real. It's refreshing on Tinder to match and talk with a guy who isn't trying so hard. Remember, what makes you you is your flaws.
I want to show you a small example of this with a Tinder match I had recently. This girl was a professional body builder and exceptionally more fit than I'll ever be. Look at my opening line and follow up.
FYI, I'm in art school. That's why I'm talking about a big wooden camera. In any event, you can see here how I kept things relaxed to move forward. My down-to-earthness was attractive to her.
Trust me, you really don't need to have all the answers or be the best guy in the bunch. Because: you're not, and you will never be. There will always be guys matching with her that are more attractive, tall, intelligent and funny. But few of them will let their guard down. Give it a shot.
Text enough but not too much.
Texting with women is like a balanced stick with bricks on each end. If she takes a break off (starts giving small one word answers) then you need to balance that by taking a brick off too (giving shorter more concise replies.)
Likewise, if she puts more bricks on (is adding more to the conversation with longer or more excited messages) than you want to do the same.
The conversation should be balanced. As you get more experience you can start breaking the "rules" here, but in general if she's not texting much and you are texting too much she'll think you're needy. If she's doing all the talking and you're barely giving anything she'll think you're disinterested or even insecure.
To start off your general rule of thumb is to keep things balanced.
This is a Tinder snippet from my Jens. At first glance it might seem like he's doing well. She's not shy to show how much she's enjoying the their chat.
Taking a step back and looking at this objectively we find that things... are actually not going great. Based just on what we see here there's an imbalance. He's sending all of the messages. All of the messages are long. Meanwhile she's keeping it cool, and light. In other words, in this push and play he's doing all of the pushing. What's missing is a light touch.
Jens ended up losing her interest. And why not? It's only going to be fun for her if there's a balance in the conversation. Sometimes you chase, and sometimes she chases you.
Here are some steps to make that happen:
- Keep your messages and hers about the same length.
- Don't go overboard.
Don't be so cool.
Now, we've already touched on this with "be real" but I want to continue digging in to this point because it's so under appreciated in my opinion.
You might think that you need to be the guy that has all the answers and messages her with the lines that always hit - that are always hilarious or make her heart pound out of her chest. That's really not the case. On occasion? Of course. You won't make any headway without it.
On the other hand, if that's all you do she'll see you as an entertainer, at best. Someone to keep around to text with when she's bored or is waiting for some other guy to text her back for their. Like most things, it's going to be a balance.
When you err on the side of being really cool the entire interaction feels staged or fake. Copy and pasted. Worst case she senses you're covering up your own insecurity by never really revealing what your insecurities are. Make sense? Unwind a bit and let the girl know what you're about.
Here's an example of a real conversation chain from one of the students of Zirby, Alex. This is a sample from a Tinder convo where she stopped replying to him "seemingly out of the blue." Looking closely, we can see where things starting going wrong. In this case, Alex mentioned he was a bartender and she asked him to fix her up a drink.
Initially things are flirty, but you can see where Alex tries to be "too cool." He gives a coy response, "you'll have to give me a reason" but when she replies well to his slick line he doesn't ease off the gas. And what was slick soon becomes oily.
Objectively, look at these words together and paint an image in your head of the kind of person that might say this... "Mmm...", "If you give a good reason...", ";)" What's the image? Is it a guy who's kind of slimey, or a player? Probably - and Alex isn't that kind of guy, but he definitely is presenting himself as such.
Needless to say, she ghosted on him. What was missing here was some more authenticity. Imagine if he said something like, "Looks like you pass the test. How's Thursday night work?" instead of including the weird winking emoji and Mmm... My bet is she would have said yes.
The fact is, you don't need to be the guy who always has the right line, or is always smooth, or is... well, always "the guy." Show some authenticity. It'll pay off.
But, be a little cool.
Still, you want to keep things interesting. A little flirting, teasing, or challenging her can go a long way.
I want to show you another example. This is another guy named Joe. He met this girl Dominique at a grocery store - and frankly it looks like she just gave him a her number with no intention of responding. You'll notice that he initially tried to to be authentic and genuine. No teasing, no challenging.
And, it really didn't get anywhere - which again - is no surprise. It's a dead lead. But when she sends a challenging (or perhaps passive aggressive) text to him you'll notice that Joe takes another course of action.
His "can't catch a break" isn't the craziest one liner. It's really not that challenging, but you know what - it's clever, and sharp. It's cool. Joe was able to open the door to a dead lead which as you know isn't an easy thing to do.
When Joe told me about this, he said that in the moment he figured that this was going no where, so there was nothing to lose. I've known Joe for over a year and he hasn't figured out the balance between being too genuine, and being "cool" - or challenging. Well, he managed to do it here and he learned for the future.
That is, before sending "Yep" and ending the conversation he just opened. Oh well, live and learn. Still, a great example of the point.
At this point I hope I've given you a basic groundwork over how I text women. The next step is to see a full, uncut conversation to see how I implement everything from start to finish.
And... speak of the devil, that's exactly what I've done here. After you plug in your first name and email I'll send you one of my Tinder convos (along with detailed breakdown commentary) so you'll not just see what I did, but learn why I did it.