How to Keep a Conversation Going on Tinder
Wondering how to keep a conversation going on Tinder?
Wonder no more.
This blog post will dive in to easy to implement strategies.
Not just extend your online dating convos…
But to make them more exciting for both her and you.
Skip to What You Want
3 Quick Ways to Improve your Tinder Convos
First off, watch the video above.
I go in to very specific detail about improving your Tinder convos.
By examining real screenshots of an actual convo.
But, if you don’t have the time to watc, don’t worry:
I’ll break down what you need know here.
Give the right amount of investment.
Don’t flatter too much or give big compliments.
Match her pacing.
Tip #1 - Give the Right amount of Investment.
The most natural thing in the world is to go after what we want.
When it comes to relationships, that’s especially true.
If you’re reading this blog, it’s because you want more.
You want more women.
You want more attractive women.
You want to have options.
Or you want to find someone really special.
And you might feel like this is out of your reach.
You might even feel that the odds are very stacked against you.
But then, out of the blue, you match with a really cute girl.
Not only that, but she replies to your awesome Tinder opener.
(Hint: Read the above article..!)
Naturally you’re excited.
So you send lots of emojis.
And lots of exclamation points!
And you send long messages.
Because you’re so relieved you'‘re finally connecting with someone who get’s it.
But then disaster strikes.
She gives one word answers.
She starts getting vague when you ask her out.
What went wrong?
You invested too much.
In other words, you came off as too excited.
Which reads as desperate: after-all, why would you be THAT excited to talk with her on Tinder?
Unless… of course… you were getting no matches or dates.
Take a look at the below screenshot.
When you read it over, can you see how much more he wants her than she wants him?
Put another way, he is too invested.
All he needed to do was turn the dial down.
Play it a little more cool.
Be more laid back with shorter messages.
That are more direct and to the point.
That’s true with Zirby too.
If you are a frequent reader, it’s probably because you like how our articles have no fluff.
It’s to the point, with real examples, in easy to read short sentences.
Why should it be any different on Tinder?
Think about it.
Tip #2 - Don’t Flatter too much.
Let’s get something out of the way.
Compliments do work.
One of my favorite blog posts about online dating is from OkCupid’s Christian Rudder back in 2009.
(The founder of OKC.)
In essence, he took a look at the most effective first messages.
AKA, the ones that got a reply back.
And he analyzed the language used to see what works, and what doesn’t.
One of the key points of this data combing was that compliments are effective.
The key is to use the right compliments.
Compliments on a woman’s physical appearance, like:
Saw up to 15% less response rate than the average.
In other words, the more you compliment a woman’s looks, the less responses you’ll get.
But what’s really cool is that compliments on a woman’s personality had the opposite effect.
Messages that contained words like:
It’s nice that.
Had almost a 40% increase over the average, or 55% over the physical compliments!
In other words, saying “it’s awesome you like MGNT” will net you better result than “your face is so cute" almost 55% of the time.
This isn’t really that surprising.
Women hear that they are attractive all the time.
It gets old, fast.
But when you compliment something personal, it makes the convo way more authentic.
And the name of the game isn’t just a longer dialog.
But a better one.
Tip #3 - Match her Pacing.
Technically speaking, this could appear under the first tip.
But it’s so important that it was worth reiterating and having its own section.
Let’s quickly look at two screenshots, and see if you can spot where things went wrong.
The first screenshot:
Everything looks good right?
He even asks for her Instagram, and she gives it.
Now let’s look at the second:
Did you catch the difference from the first screenshot and the second?
In the first screenshot, their messages were about equal in size.
About the same number of words and messages.
If anything, she was sending more than him - which is good!
But in the second, thing started sliding the wrong way.
The pacing became unbalanced.
He started sending more messages than her. And more words.
And before long, things started getting really bad…
Take a look at this screenshot, taken on a few lines later:
At this point the word count is 72 him and 3 her.
That is NOT good.
This conversation is completely unbalanced.
Sadly he let his nerves get the best of him.
And unsurprisingly he was not able to get the date with her.
Or even her number.
With Online Dating or even real conversations the pacing needs to be equal.
Both parties should be putting 50/50 in to the convo.
And not 72/3.
Otherwise it’s not really a conversation.
It’s a sales pitch.
And frankly the only sales pitch around here should be for Tinder 10X.
Joking not joking.
Keep Equal Engagement Loops
If you want to succeed at online dating, you’re going to need to know about Engagement loops.
An engagement loops is one message from you, one message from her.
It’s actually very simple: a message and a response to the message.
With a Tinder conversation, every “engagement loop” is one round of back and forth.
For example, here’s an engagement loop:
You: Noticed you listed “Shrek” in your profile, you earned this super like.
Her: What can I say? I’ve got a lot of layers.
Okay, mediocre Dreamworks movies aside, I think you get the point.
A common question I get is “how long should my messages on Tinder be?”
The truth is: it varies.
By a lot.
Sometimes, you online need one or two words.
Other times you’re going to need a paragraph to get her interested.
If you’re new to texting girls, this probably isn’t the answer you want to hear.
This is where the concept of engagement loops come in.
Keeping it Equal
You’ll never have to worry about message length again.
Because all you need to make sure is that your messages and hers are about the same.
If she sends a long message, you send a long message back.
If she is short with her answers, you be short too.
This is what’s so great about engagement loops.
It’s super easy.
You wont come off as needy by sending long messages when she is sending short ones.
And you wont come off as uninterested by sending short ones when she is investing more with longer messages.
Let’s take a look at a message where the conversation has even engagement loops.
(Where his messages and her messages are nearly equal in length and tone.)
This conversation is flowing well.
Both parties are investing equally, and that’s a good sign.
The guy doesn’t come off as needy and the conversation isn’t one sided.
This is exactly how to keep a conversation going on Tinder.
It’s all about matching pacing.
So next time you’re texting and you’re worried about the length of your convo…
Just remember the engagement loop.
Also, just so we’re on the same page here…
Let’s take a look at an example of a bad engagement loop.
Here’s a loop that is off balance.
Keep in mind though that just because it’s off balance doesn’t mean you’ve lost.
Think of it more like a “yellow flag” - if you do it too often she’ll start to notice.
And she’ll wonder to herself, “why is he writing such long messages?”
She might think:
You’re socially awkward.
You’re a cool guy, but just a bad texter.
Either way, it’s such an easy fix there’s no reason to shoot yourself in the foot.
Make Assumptions, Don’t Ask questions.
If you make no changes to your tinder convos but one, let this be it.
Questions are the bane of your existence.
Okay, I might be exaggerating a bit…
But seriously questions kill a conversation, especially if they are boring.
If you want to keep your online dating conversation going you’re going to need to keep her engaged.
Do you think you’d be engaged with the same questions she aunt Bertha asks her every year?
What do you do?
What are your hobbies?
These questions are so boring they even burn my fingers typing them out now.
Just skip them!
So I should Never Ask Questions over Text?
You can still ask questions.
But use them sparingly.
Or maybe a better word is strategically.
Don’t use questions as a way to fill a conversation up.
It’s not stuffing for your turkey.
It’s more like cranberry sauce.
A tart, sweet side that works when topping the right forkful.
But destroys the meal if you have too much of it.
What to do Instead
The alternative of a question is an assumption.
If you’re searching for your next Tinder hack you’ve now officially found it.
Assumptions are solid gold.
They work like questions but without any of the boredom associated with them.
Here’s how it works, take a look at this profile:
This is an obvious example.
But I want to drive the point home for clarity sake.
Looking at her profile, she said “I’d love to find a man who will make me a sandwich.”
I could have replied by saying, “What’s your favorite kind of sandwich?”
Can you just feel how boring that is?
Here’s another example.
I matched with this girl and noticed her partying with her friends in one of her photos.
They were all holding up drinks.
I could have asked her, “what are you guys drinking?”
Or even, “what’s your favorite drink?”
But that’s not what I did.
Instead I made an assumption.
“Better be bourbon in those cups.”
Not only is that way more fun but it’s also flirty.
By the way you might have noticed that these assumptions have been with my opening message.
But you can use assumptions any time you would normally use a question.
I also wrote an article about great Tinder openers here.
It’s worth a read if you’ve been struggling with your first messages.
Ask the Right Kind of Questions
Time to break my own rule.
I’ve been talking all about not asking questions and making assumptions instead.
If you ask the right questions, you can keep the conversation in Tinder going in the right direction.
Just don’t rely on them.
In general I’ve found 2 good kinds of questions:
Let’s break these down.
Outside of Zirby I love contemporary photography.
And I happen to have a Masters degree in Fine Art.
If you ask me about contemporary art I’ll talk all day.
Go ahead email me with any questions.
But want to make small talk about my favorite TV show?
Nah. I’m good. I have OkCupid asking me those stupid questions already.
The key is to find out what’s actually meaningful to her, and ask questions about that.
Assuming the topic is meaningful to you as well.
Otherwise you’ll come off as insincere.
There’s a simply formula for getting this right:
Ask questions about something you both have a vested interest in.
You know she has a vested interested in a topic if she:
Mentions it in her profile.
Has photos of it in her pictures.
Brings it up in conversation with out being asked.
Responds well to something you bring up.
Let me show you a quick example.
When I matched with this girl I noticed she spoke Chinese.
(She is not Chinese by the way.)
I find this extremely interesting because I lived in China for two years.
I have a vested interested in this topic.
It’s something that I care a great deal about.
If I were to just ask “Where’d you pick up the Chinese” and end it at that… it’d be small talk.
But what makes this question “in-context” is that my responses will show her Chinese language is something I care about.
And will forge a connection between us.
Genuine, in-context questions are not about keeping a conversation going.
They are about making the conversation more meaningful.
Which almost always results in getting laid on Tinder.
Assuming that’s your goal.
Some of the best Tinder conversations I’ve seen are ones that are sarcastic or ironic.
Like my friend Thjis who, when a girl stopped replying, wrote “pls respond” over 15 times.
And she eventually did and they went out!
If act like all the other guys on Tinder you’re going to get the same results they do.
But you if you break the pattern you’ll excel.
I plan on doing a future blog post on “breaking the pattern” by the way.
Because I feel like this needs it’s own lengthy explanation.
That said here’s the nutshell:
Surprise her with a funny, off the cuff, or sarcastic question.
It doesn’t even have to be that great.
For example, here’s a girl I matched with a few days ago.
Her profile said, “very serious marriage inquiries only.”
So, my opening line to her just needs to be a fun question.
(And in this case bonus points for also being in-context like we just discussed.")
“Will you marry me”
It couldn’t be more simple.
Don't Keep the Convo Going
I’m not being sarcastic here.
One of the biggest mistakes I see on Tinder are guys drawing out the conversation.
And you really don’t want to be doing this.
The reality is the girl you’re talking to wants to meet you.
She just wants to make sure you’re not going to be creepy.
Once she realizes that, and you don’t ask her out, she’ll assume:
You are creepy, because you’re still making small talk.
Or you’re not attracted to her.
Or you’re just a time waster / not confident enough.
Seriously, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this!
How I Blew my Chances on a Date
In fact, I’ll tell you a true story.
Once I was with my good friend Jesse.
We went out to a nearby beach bar and introduced ourselves to two Israeli girls.
Named Sarah and Rebecca (okay, I so made up the names…)
It turns out that we all got alone, and we left with the girls back to our hotel room.
Everything was going great: Jesse’s girl Sarah was in to him, and Rebecca was in to me.
Once we got back to the hotel, we all had drinks and put some music on.
In my mind, there was no doubt how the night would end.
I was so confident about it, that I… never actually made any moves on her.
Jesse and Sarah went in to the other room.
Meanwhile, Rebecca and I talked on and on out on the patio.
After a few hours went by of us talking, and then Rebecca texted Sarah something.
A minute later, her friend came outside and both girls left together.
I realized, in horror, what had happened:
Rebecca thought I wasn’t interested in her!
She was jealous that Sarah was going to get laid, and she wasn’t…
So she ruined the fun for everyone and left.
In reality: I’m the one who goofed.
And being that I was a wingman for Jesse… I felt terrible.
Lesson Learned: Stop the Convo.
The reality is, I learned a tough lesson that day.
But I didn’t forget it.
There’s as much skill in knowing when to stop the conversation.
As there is in knowing how to keep it going.
Never make my mistake.
When the conversation is going well, push forward.
Don’t get comfortable with easy conversation.
On Tinder this is even more important.
Unlike real life, people can’t get to know each-other through texting.
So having long text conversations is futile.
It’s better to have just enough conversation for her to get to know you.
And get to see that you’re the same fun, cool guy she matched with.
You’ll show confidence knowing when to end the texting.
And just ask her out.
How Long Should a Tinder Conversation Be?
This should be easy to remember.
It’s not about length.
It’s about engagement.
Think about your conversation with a girl on as a scale from 1 to 10.
1 being she’s totally bored, unengaged, and giving 1 word answers.
10 being she’s giving long paragraphs, exclamation points, and emojis.
Each number digital equals a 10% chance of her agreeing to meet up with you.
So if you’re having a conversation, and she’s giving you a 1 level of engagement…
You have about a 10% chance of meeting her.
This is really good news, because it means:
If she replies to your message at all (no matter how bad) there’s still a chance!
If she’s giving you a lower number you can increase it!
All you need to do to “increase” your odds are making your Tinder convo better.
And… I happen to have a video showing 3 ways to do just that.
Watch the video here:
Example of a Boring Tinder Convo
Alright, so take a look at this example.
That was posted in the Zirby Facebook group.
From a technical stand-point, he is keeping the conversation going on Tinder.
You can see at she’s not enjoying it.
And even though you can’t see the other screenshots…
You can probably get the sense that he should have just asked her out.
Rather than go on and on.
Remember: ask her out!
That’s your mission in Tinder.
Instagram is your new best friend.
Especially if your conversation on Tinder is getting dry.
There are 3 big benefits to asking for her IG and talking there:
You’ll see new photos of hers that you can comment on / talk about.
If your IG is good, she’ll get more interested in your life.
Switching platforms gives the convo a chance for a fresh start.
All of this together makes IG a powerful tool.
In fact, I wrote an article about my Tinder / Instagram strategy.
Give it a read before going on.
How to Ask for Her IG
You might be thinking, “Ok cool, but how do I ask for her IG?”
Worried about asking for it at the wrong time?
Or concerned that she’ll ask why you want it?
Push these out of your head, this is dead easy.
When I ask for a girls Instagram on Tinder I’m very direct about it.
No need for lame excuses like, “My Tinder is working… let’s talk on IG.”
Here’s an example of how direct I am:
As you can see there’s not really a need for an excuse or long banter.
I asked for her IG.
… And she gave it to me.
And by the way, there are only as many messages in that exchange that you can see in the screenshot.
Just more proof that your convo doesn’t need to be long to be successful.
Just fun and casual.
Get Help on Your Convos
There’s 0 reason to struggle on messaging girls.
You match with a seriously cute girl.
After a few lines she becomes disinterested and only replies with “haha”
A few hours later you meet her at your local bar.
That “???” was you posting the convo in the free Zirby Facebook group, Own Your Online Dating.
And getting feedback from the entire Zirby community of guys.
Our private group is insanely active.
I don’t want you to miss out meeting up with girls you connect with.
Just because you made a mistake that was easy to correct.
I’ll see you on the inside.
Join the private Zirby Facebook Group
I teach guys of any and all backgrounds, looks, and experience levels how to consistently meet and date women from Online Dating. Women you thought were “out of your league” or “impossible” to connect with. The best part? It’s easy. Just steal the actual strategies I use, or email me directly. - Marc.