I want to talk a minute about the dating community, specific to Facebook. After all, there's a good chance if you're reading this article it's because you are, in some form, part of some dating community on Facebook.
Who We Are
From my own experience, most guys looking for dating advice are like you and me... regular guys looking to get a little advantage in the battle of the sexes.
- We visit our family on Christmas.
- We write letters to the ones we love.
- We work really hard to put food on the table or keep our academic books cracked open until the break of dawn.
- We put one foot in front of the other.
Yes, there are some guys who break the mold who live extravagant lives traveling the world meeting women in bars and clubs. Hell, even I lived that lifestyle for a period of time. Though I left that behind.
The point of all this is to say, we're normal guys who care about people other than ourselves. But for some reason, this gets lost in the many dating communities on Facebook.
1. Results Oriented
Now, before you dive ship and label me a social justice warrior let me explain: there's a distinction between shooting the shit with the guys, and harboring negativity for the sake of boosting one's ego.
Communities are important. That's a fact.
But what's more important than being part of a community is making sure the community is a healthy one that pushes you to be a better man.
This is more than morals, too. This comes down to being result oriented. If you want better results, you need to surround yourself with guys who get results.
Makes sense, right?
But when the community you're part of fosters negativity, over-exaggeration, and occasionally straight-up lies - you're not going to improve by participating in their dialog.
2. Do give a fuck
I want to share a real post that happened just today that inspired me to write this post.
I know, I know. I'm not a cool 19 year old that gets his kicks by calling girls "greedy bitches."
This is far from an epidemic, but if you think that Tindering skills like that will get you laid, then I have some news for you: think again.
There's a common mantra in the dating world called "Don't give a fuck." It makes sense. A lot of guys in the dating world have felt that their voice had been hushed (I sure did) and dating culture finally gave them the inner strength to not care about what other people think.
And, to a degree, that's great! But, what they're missing is the core point: "Don't give a fuck" doesn't mean "treat people like shit." It doesn't mean being indifferent about other peoples feelings.
Said best in the brilliant worded article, The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck, Mark Manson stated this sentiment well:
3. Being a Man
If you're in dating groups like I am, you're in them to be a more effective man. Well, good news, you can start right away.
I'm not recommending that you leave your groups or start flame wars.
But when a post goes up in your community that degrades women, encourages passive-aggressive behavior, or puts the safety of a girl at risk (no censor blur?) just remember - that specific post is actively degrading the quality of your community.
And because we are not separate from the communities we are part of, it's degrading you as well.
When that happens, here's what you can do:
- Call them out on it. You don't need to be aggressive about it, either. But there are voices of reason in the crowd.
With All That Said...
I don't want you leaving after this article suggesting that you should leave all your Facebook groups. And I certainly don't want you thinking that the Zirby Community is a mecca of heaven.
Every community will have its problems - but as a member of it, it's in your hands to move things in the right direction and challenge content and people that drag it down into the shits.
Own Your Online Dating
The one good thing about communities is that you get unique perspectives and see how different people handle the same obstacles.
I mentioned before that we have a community here at Zirby. I'd love to welcome you to swing by and say hey.
It's a great place to get fresh ideas about online dating (considering its called Own Your Online Dating) but we focus on meeting women face to face and guys' wisdom as well.
We try our best to be results-oriented, rather than ego-oriented. You can come and add to the conversation.